Mind & Meaning

How to let go of someone you love

How To Move On From a Relationship

Posted by: Team Tony

[adalign=”right”]We’ve all been there – stuck on someone we can’t get out of our minds, even when we know it’s not healthy. An ex haunting our thoughts, a crush who doesn’t feel the same, or perhaps a toxic family member on social media who was once close. Letting go isn’t easy, but learning how to let go of someone you love is an essential step for healing.

Holding on is a natural human instinct – but at the same time, it limits our growth, preventing us from reaching a deep fulfillment in our relationships. Because ultimately, when we don’t let go of someone we love, we don’t grow. We get stuck in a pattern that repeats itself. Only when we have the courage to let go, can we experience the most rewarding form of growth in our relationships – a growth that leads to more passion, deeper intimacy, and greater love, regardless of whom it’s with.

WHY IS LETTING GO SO HARD?

Why do we have so much trouble learning how to let go of someone we love? It’s human nature to hold on to things – memories, favorites, situations, and especially people since relationships fulfill our core human needs.

When we lose someone, the unmet need is often the human need for certainty. Letting go and moving on from a relationship can create a great deal of uncertainty that feels painful because the other person likely provided a strong source of certainty or security. We felt certain about what to expect – from their behavior, their personality, their reactions, their habitual way of responding. Even if it wasn’t always pleasant, at least they made you feel certain in what to expect.

So, when the relationship ends – socially, physically, or emotionally – we lose that certainty, leaving a gap that makes us crave answers. Whether the relationship reaches a clear end or you’re struggling to know when to let go of a relationship, this lack of certainty often makes it hard to let go.

Focusing on past experiences also plays a role in our decisions of what to do next. For instance, were you rejected by several potential mates in high school or college? Those experiences could make you hold on to a partner – even one who is not good for you – because you’re afraid you won’t find anyone else. Those memories subconsciously justify the fear because there’s no focus on growth nor the future. When you’re unable to let go, those memories become a part of your story and work against you.

Other times, we truly do not want to let go of someone – but they want to let go of us. Letting go of someone you love is even harder when your feelings for them haven’t changed. Remember that relationships are a place you go to give, not to get. And sometimes the best thing you can give to your partner is their freedom. Listen below as Tony works with a man who is at a crossroads in his relationship and helps him embrace the power of letting go.

SIGNS YOU NEED TO LET GO OF SOMEONE

Learning how to let go of someone you love is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do – especially when it’s someone you’ve built a deep connection with or shared your life with. In our gut, we know when it’s time to let go. When we look deep in our hearts and come from a place of gratitude, we realize that our desire to hold on is usually unhealthy and beyond our control. We cannot control other people. We can influence them, sure. But the only thing we can really control is our thoughts and actions. 

“The one thing we have absolute control over is our internal world – we decide what things mean and what to do about them.” – Tony Robbins

If after checking in with your heart and gut, you’re still unsure, the signs might be showing up in a different way. Here’s a few signs that can indicate it’s time to let go.

• Something just doesn’t feel right
• You make changes simply to get them back, rather than for your own personal growth
• You’re always wondering what could have been
• You think of the person constantly, or at time when you’d rather not
• You spend a lot of time reliving memories or looking them up on social media
• You bring them up often when talking to friends
• When you feel down, they’re the first person you think to call
• You feel anxious or even angry when you see the person
• You blame them or want to get revenge

Letting go of someone you love isn’t easy, but holding on can limit you from having a truly extraordinary relationship. In some cases, letting go might mean that it’s time to transform the type of relationship – like changing your environment or creating a friendship where both of you are free to grow and find healthier ways of meeting your needs.

THE IMPACT OF TRULY LETTING GO

Breaking up or refusing to speak to a family member aren’t the same as letting go. You might be socially and physically separate but still feel love, confusion, resentment, or even hostility. If the person still consumes your mind, that means they’re still influencing you instead of you taking control of your own happiness and fulfillment in life.

Learning how to let go of someone you love means letting go of old patterns, growing, and creating your own extraordinary life. It’s also one of the most challenging things to do. But once you overcome that fear, you’ll feel free. You’ll feel relieved. You’ll know that you have the inner strength to conquer anything. And you can start to forge your own path to fulfillment.

HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE

Knowing you need to let go and letting go are two different things. Knowing you need to let go is difficult – it’s the most difficult decision to make. But in many cases, letting go is necessary to unlock the life you deserve.

Sure, every relationship is different. But once it consistently causes more pain than pleasure, that’s when people tend to believe that romance cannot be rekindled.

Thankfully, moving on gets easier once you make the difficult decisions and realize that your future happiness depends on a new start – regardless of whether that’s starting a new YOU, a new relationship, or both.

When grappling with loss, people tend to go through five or six distinct stages of grief. It starts with shock and denial, where the mind refuses to accept the reality of loss. Next, this disbelief soon boils into anger and frustration, where you might feel irritation or anxiety. After anger burns out, we dip into a state of loss and sadness – or depression if we get stuck in this stage. If we push through, we find ourselves in the bargaining stage, where we negotiate and compromise our way out of the pain. Ultimately, we end up in the stage of acceptance, where we might be reluctant but finally begin to move on. Some people stay in the acceptance stage for a while whereas others might get stuck in the earlier ones.

Beyond acceptance is the stage that finally takes you out of grief and where the most growth occurs – and that’s creation. Creation is where you make things better despite all that’s going on. You create a new story for yourself, a new relationship, a new opportunity, or a new perspective that makes life even better than it was before.

No matter what stage you’re currently in, these tips will help you learn how to let go and move on to a better quality of life:

1. IDENTIFY LIMITING BELIEFS

Are thoughts like “I could never be alone” or “I’ll never find someone else who loves me” constantly running through your mind? Remember that you are not your thoughts – these thoughts are simply limiting beliefs. While beliefs have the power to create your world, YOU have the power to transform them. Replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs like, “I am open to what the universe has in store for me” or “I love myself and the best is yet to come.” This may feel silly at first, but when combined with positive incantations as part of your daily routine, you will see results.

2. CHANGE YOUR STORY

Your story is what you tell yourself to justify your decisions and is based on your limiting beliefs. For example, you tell yourself you can’t have a successful relationship because of how you grew up. Your parents argued in front of you all the time and eventually divorced. Now, you can’t let go of the belief that all relationships are bound to fail, and this is why you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship. In truth, you can change your story so that your past empowers you instead of holding you back. Your past does not equal your future unless you live there.

3. STOP THE BLAME GAME

Letting go of someone you love doesn’t mean you ignore the truth– it just means you don’t let it influence your life. It is human nature to blame and there are three things we can blame: another person, a situation, or worst of all: ourselves. But blame never makes you feel empowered. Instead, let go of the past and use your experience to learn and grow so you can create a healthy relationship that’s filled with passion, intimacy, and joy.

4. EMBRACE THE NICER “F” WORD

Going separate ways can make us feel angry or frustrated – but that doesn’t mean we’re stuck there. When we can find the gift in the experience, we can more easily embrace forgiveness. We can forgive the other person and forgive ourselves for any pain the separation may have caused. When we forgive, we create space for healing, for a new future, and for a healthy new relationship. Forgiveness helps us let go of the old relationship and opens the door to growth.

5. MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS

When a relationship ends, it’s common to feel incredible amounts of anger and resentment – especially if you were not the one who decided to end it. Maybe you felt righteous about it at first, like the anger was helping you move forward. While mastering emotions does involve recognizing their value, we don’t want to stay stuck in emotions like anger and make them our emotional home. Getting stuck in the emotion just makes it harder to let go of someone you love and move on with your life.

Plus, prolonged negative feelings take a toll on your emotional and physical health – such as increased risk of heart disease – and can affect your future relationships. The first step in letting go of these negative emotions is to recognize the feelings and identify them as useful, but temporary. Once we find the empowering meaning of our emotions, we feel more confident and can take action toward creating an extraordinary future.

6. PRACTICE EMPATHY

Learning how to move on from a relationship that once brought joy can be very difficult. When we let go of someone, it’s helpful to think of both sides of the story. See the situation from their point of view. Look at this person from the same place of compassion and empathy that you did when you were happy together. Yes, they may have hurt you, but it’s unlikely they did it out of malice. The relationship may have simply not been meeting their own emotional needs, so they decided to take action to improve their own emotional state.

7. TRADE EXPECTATIONS FOR APPRECIATION

Tony Robbins often reminds us, “When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” We cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously and that’s why practicing gratitude helps overcome the sadness, anger, and anxiety we feel when learning how to let go of someone. The loss we feel is usually a result of expectations we had about the relationship. Letting go of your expectations and focusing on gratitude helps us realize that life happens for us, not to us. When we find the lesson in every experience and feel grateful for it, we reduce the anger we feel toward the other person. And instead, we appreciate what we gained from the relationship.

8. GET SOCIAL SUPPORT FROM SOMEONE YOU TRUST

Holding feelings inside only keeps us stuck and can eventually turn into anxiety or even develop into depression. Talk to a supportive friend, a family member, a life coach, or a therapist about how you feel. Let them be there for you in your time of need. Life coaches and therapists provide different types of support, both confidential and especially helpful when we feel like there’s no one willing to listen. Talking to someone can also help us gain a new perspective by recognizing an unhealthy relationship and preventing us from going back to old patterns with the person. When we truly learn to let go of someone, we may discover new opportunities that make life even better than before.

9. LOVE YOURSELF

The process of letting go and moving on from a relationship can feel stressful and lonely. You might beat yourself up, think it’s your fault, and ignore your needs. But the reality is, you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. So, it’s important to love yourself and practice self-care because you’ll heal more completely and create a psychology that sets you up for success in future relationships. After all, if you don’t have enough love for yourself, how will you have any left to give to others? Whether it’s booking a massage or loving your body by giving it healthy foods, focus on activities that allow you to love yourself.

10. ACCEPT GROWTH AND CREATE A COMPELLING FUTURE

Letting go of someone you love is a process. It won’t happen overnight, and most of us go through the 6 stages of grief mentioned earlier. The key point to remember is to focus on progress. Progress is how we know we’re growing and what moves us through the stages of grief faster. When we focus on moving forward, we can create a new life story that compels us – a story that assigns an empowering new meaning to what we once labeled as “pain”. In reality, the pain is an extraordinary opportunity for growth – an opportunity to grow wiser, to grow stronger emotionally, and to grow our relationship skills. Growth is what helps us develop empowering beliefs to live by and create a compelling new future that makes life extraordinary.

LEARNING TO LET GO AND MOVE ON

Refusing to let go won’t bring back someone we care about. Clinging to the patterns that led to our pain only harms our emotional and physical well-being, preventing us from experiencing life to its fullest. Instead, embrace the power of letting go, accept the opportunity to grow, and with the right perspective, we can appreciate the beauty of uncertainty.

Letting go of someone we love requires facing the truth, and accepting the fact that we can’t always change it. Once we move on and appreciate the growth that came from the relationship, we not only become stronger but also open ourselves to a future filled with endless possibilities.