Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.
Stepping into your pain
There is nothing that requires more courage than an intimate relationship. This is the space where your deepest fears and insecurities rise to the surface, making it even more difficult to give yourself completely to another. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, you have to open up. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than diving right in and swimming in the deep end, most live their lives on the surface.
But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events for the state of the union. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with you, and it starts by stepping into your pain.
Stepping into your pain means facing your fears head on. It means immersing yourself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it sounds intimidating, and surely you could think of a thousand things you’d rather do. But by making the decision to step into your pain, you are also making the decision to liberate yourself and even to create a new life.
It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with your partner. But when you take the leap, you will be able grow in ways that you never have before. And, ultimately, you will learn how to connect with yourself and with your partner on an even deeper and more meaningful level.
TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH
How do you “step into your pain”?
The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. You have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted. Because this is the only path towards opening up a new sense of awareness.
Ask yourself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?
The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.
Most people are too scared to follow their fears. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge your fears, your insecurities and your pain – you are creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now you will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.
TWO BIGGEST FEARS
Now that you have committed yourself to the truth, you must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.
How do these two fears manifest in your life? What challenges have they presented for you in your relationship? Perhaps you shut down in the midst of conflict. Or maybe you runaway from turmoil. Do you lash out when you feel scared? What are the times you feel alone?
Understanding these fundamental fears can help you become more aware of where your pain and insecurities stem from. And you will be better able to see just why you are holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. Take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why we construct these walls.
It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but you do it anyway. Remember, it’s not courage if it’s not hard.
By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, you will start to wake up. You are going to see the other side of the coin, where you are so much more. You are going to discover the real you and see how you’ve been selling yourself short all this time. You are going to see how you are creating the relationship you are in. And you are going to see how it is entirely within your power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship.
So harness your courage, make this decision and take the leap. You will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And you will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To be free and liberated. To be yourself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that we all yearn for?
Header Image © Shutterstock / Jaromir Chalabala