Stepping into your pain

There is nothing that requires more courage than sustaining an intimate relationship. It can be incredibly difficult to reveal your deepest fears and insecurities to another person. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, you have to open up and let them see who you really are. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than doing the challenging work and revealing who you are to someone else, most live their lives on the surface and never form a lasting, passionate connection with another person.

When you’re unhappy in your relationship, it can be easy to put the blame on your partner or other events outside your control. But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events for the state of the union. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with you, and it starts by stepping into your pain.

Stepping into your pain means learning how to face your fears head on. It means immersing yourself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it sounds intimidating, and surely you could think of a thousand things you’d rather do. But by making the decision to step into your pain, you are also making the decision to liberate yourself, commit to your romantic relationship and even to create a new life.

It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with your partner. But when you take the leap, you will be able grow in ways that you never have before. And, ultimately, you will learn how to connect with yourself and with your partner on an even deeper and more meaningful level.


How do you “step into your pain”? When will you learn how to face fear head on?

The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. You have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted with yourself and your partner. Because this is the only path toward opening up a new sense of awareness.

Ask yourself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?

The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.

Most people are too scared to follow their fears and address them head on. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge your fears, your insecurities and your pain – you are creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now you will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.


Now that you have committed yourself to the truth, you must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.

How do these two fears manifest in your life? What challenges have they presented for you in your relationship? Perhaps you shut down in the midst of conflict. Or maybe you run away from responsibilities in a relationship when things get too serious. Do you lash out when you feel scared? What are the times you feel alone in your relationship?

Understanding these fundamental fears can help you become more aware of where your pain and insecurities stem from. And you will be better able to see just why you are holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed that we don’t allow ourselves to be trusting and vulnerable with our partner. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. Take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why you construct these walls in the first place.


It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear because you’re not sure what will happen when you tell someone about your fears. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but you do it anyway. Remember, it’s not courage if it’s not hard.

By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, you will start to wake up. You are going to see the other side of the coin, where you are so much more. You are going to discover the real you and see how you’ve been selling yourself short all this time. You are going to see how you are creating the relationship you are in – good or bad. And you are going to see how it is entirely within your power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship.

So harness your courage, make this decision and take the leap. You will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And you will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To be free and liberated. To be yourself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all yearn for?

Header Image © Shutterstock / Jaromir Chalabala

Team Tony

Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.

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