9 Keys to passion & intimacy
Unlock the passionThis piece was specially written for the Tony Robbins blog by world–renowned couples’ therapist Esther Perel.
A few weeks ago, I had the honor of sitting down with my dear friend Tony Robbins for a conversation about my new book, The State of Affairs. Tony and I have worked together since 2004 and we both believe that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, so we knew we were going to have fun, but we surprised even ourselves. We talked for more than two hours.
Tony turned it all into a podcast which I encourage you to listen to here.
We touched the full spectrum of relationship questions that keep people up at night: What is so different about relationships today? Why does modern love seem so damn hard? How do we keep passion alive? Why do people cheat? Even those in happy marriages? How can you avoid an affair? When trust is broken, can it be healed? What can we learn from infidelity? How can you turn a crisis into an opportunity? What do the French think about infidelity? (A quick reminder: I am not French.)
But, perhaps most importantly: Where do we learn to love and how?
This is one of my favorite questions.
As a person that speaks nine languages, I’ve learned how important it is to practice the basic verbs. These are the first verbs we learn for speech and, often, they are the first we learn in love. The seven I like to pay special attention to are:
- to ask
- to take
- to receive
- to give
- to share
- to refuse
- to play/imagine
When we learned these verbs as children, some grew strong, others grew weak. We built them into the foundations of our defense mechanisms and our survival strategies; our strengths and our vulnerabilities. This emotional history is also expressed in the physicality of sex. That is why I often say, “tell me how you were loved (as a child), and I will tell you how you make love (as an adult).” All of these verbs come into play when we face the everyday challenges of modern love – and when we face the age-old taboo of infidelity.
