How to get through to someone

Think of almost any communication problem you have, and you’ll probably find that understanding the other person’s metaprograms will help you adjust communications so that the problem disappears.

Think of a frustration in your life – someone you love who doesn’t feel loved, someone you work with who manages to rub you the wrong way, or someone you’ve tried to help who hasn’t responded. What you need to do is identify the operating metaprogram, identify what you are doing, and identify what the other person is doing.

Suppose you need verification only once that you have a loving relationship, and your partner needs it consistently. Perhaps you put together a proposal that shows how things are alike, and your supervisor only wants to hear about the ways they’re different. Maybe you try to warn someone about something he needs to avoid, and he’s only interested in hearing about something he wants to go after.

We talked about this in metaprogram one – when you speak in the wrong key, the message that comes through is the wrong one. It’s as much a problem for parents dealing with their children as it is for executives dealing with their employees. In the past, many of us have not developed the acuity to recognize and calibrate the basic strategies that others use. When you fail to get your message through to someone, you don’t need to change the content. You have to develop the flexibility to be able to alter its form to fit the metaprograms of the person with whom you’re trying to communicate.

You can often communicate most effectively when you use several metaprograms together. My partners and I once had a business development with a man who did some work for us. We got together, and I began the meeting by trying to set a positive frame, saying I wanted to create an outcome that would satisfy both of us. He immediately said, “I’m not interested in any of that. I have this money, and I’m going to hang on to it. I just don’t want your attorney calling and bugging me anymore.”