Stop living in fear of being hurt

Letting go of toxic thoughts and opening yourself to love

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For almost 40 years, Tony has been obsessed with learning the answer to what makes a difference in the quality of people’s lives. And he’s worked with more than 50 million people from every walk of life – from some of the world’s most powerful leaders to individuals who have struggled to overcome dire circumstances.

Tony doesn’t teach people just to solve their problems, he helps them solve what caused the problems in the first place – digging into their fundamental beliefs, values and goals. Because that’s where the breakthrough happens.

In this episode, you are going to hear Tony work with Aly. When she attended Date With Destiny, Aly was in pain. She was stuck in negative patterns, never questioning her beliefs. And she had a major fear of being cheated on. For a lifetime, Aly was fed toxic thoughts from her mother – thoughts she allowed to control her life until she had a major breakthrough with Tony.

Asking the right questions

Aly has struggled with intimacy, and has moved from relationship to relationship, encountering the same problems. Her toxic upbringing had turned into negative self-talk, a common issue. When we’re made to feel like we’re not good enough by those whose love we crave most, we internalize those thoughts.

Tony works with Aly to answer her fundamentally unquestioned thoughts – why she believes certain things, why she expects certain things and why she behaves in certain ways. She is terrified of being cheated on, and won’t let herself get close to a man. She doesn’t know how to communicate effectively. But she also knows that, as Tony says, “Life is more beautiful when it’s shared.”

Tony helps Aly to see that her suffering doesn’t just come from the past – it comes from her choice to allow certain beliefs to guide her life. And that if she wants to shift out of pain and loneliness, it’s time to let go of those old thoughts, work on loving herself and stop living in fear.

Creating empowering beliefs

Aly carried around a belief that she couldn’t trust any man – because that’s what her mother told her. Her mother carried her own pain regarding men, and Aly learned to shoulder that pain as well. Tony sums it up this way: “We believe thoughts, we react to them, and then we act based on our conditioning.”

Both Aly and her mother were acting out of a deep human need for certainty. Because when you are certain things will go wrong, you never have to make the effort. As Tony explains it, “When we say it’ll never work, it destroys our drive, it destroys our fulfillment. But it fulfills our need for certainty.”

Listen as Tony works with Aly to break through this need for certainty and allow herself to be vulnerable – because “Love is uncertain, but you need to let it in because it’s worth it.”

"the way to love yourself is to love those around you" - tony robbins

Ultimately, Aly was approaching relationships from a place of fear and pain. Her limiting beliefs, deeply instilled by her mother, prevented her from ever truly believing she was worthy of love. Worthy of an extraordinary relationship. Worthy of even loving herself. After Date With Destiny, she was ready to let go of the past and move forward with confidence and positivity.


[01:13] Episode introduction
[03:05] What are your 2 most stressful thoughts?
[03:30] Money and men
[03:45] What’s the fear?
[04:10] Belief: “I won’t find a man that won’t cheat on me”
[04:40] Belief: “I cannot trust any man”
[05:25] Who taught you this belief?
[05:40] The power of a thought
[06:10] Answering your question from a different perspective
[06:40] Even the worst human beings’ behavior has a positive intent
[07:10] Whenever you’re in pain it’s because you haven’t found the higher purpose
[07:25] Changing your perspective
[07:40] Coming from a place of pain
[07:59] Reacting based on conditioning
[08:25] The intent versus the behavior
[08:35] In a place of fear, you will never find the solution
[09:30] You will never be disappointed if you know something will never work
[10:20] Ex. Donald Trump
[11:50] What’s missing and why?
[13:20] Pleasure is magnified exponentially when you share it with another
[14:40] Letting go of certainty
[15:10] The problem with most relationships today
[16:20] The moment that ended the Cold War
[19:45] I am the trigger waiting to happen
[20:10] What do you really want?
[23:05] Real courage is faith
[24:05] You have to have faith in yourself
[26:20] We feel glad when we feel a lift in our state
[28:20] Why people cheat
[31:20] Making mistakes and solving them is how you learn how to love yourself
[32:35] What must you be like to attract this person?
[33:15] It’s a pattern, it’s not you
[35:00] How you act when you believe your thoughts
[36:05] Your response to your trauma
[36:30] Anger gets you certainty
[37:45] Aly finds 3 specific things to transform
[40:20] Where do you judge your parents?
[40:55] Let go of the story that we’ve attached to
[42:15] You don’t want to live with regret
[44:35] Forgiveness, letting go, learning, understanding
[44:45] 3 ways out of suffering
[45:00] You only suffer when you focus on yourself
[45:15] Shift your thoughts to what you can appreciate
[45:30] Focus on learning and growth
[45:50] Understanding that love is a verb
[46:25] The way to love yourself is to love those around you

Team Tony

Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.

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