How to fall in love with yourself
One of Tony Robbins’ core messages is, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships” – and that includes your relationship with yourself. Learning how to fall in love with yourself is essential to your own happiness, to your success in relationships and to the way you interact with the world. That’s because of the law of attraction: what you put out into the world, you get back tenfold. When you fall in love with yourself, you’ll naturally spread that love out into the world, improving the quality of your life and others.
When you love yourself, you receive more love in return. When you exude confidence and joy, you’ll attract others with the same zest for living. This improves the quality of your relationships, which improves your life. The cycle is clear – and it all starts with falling in love with yourself. But where does self-love come from? And how can you build it? What are the best ways to love yourself?
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1. Be kind to yourself
It seems simple, but it can be one of the hardest acts of self-love to master. We grow up in a society that is always telling us how to look, how to live and even how to feel. If you’re wondering how to fall in love with yourself, the first step is to give yourself permission to be human. You don’t have to be a super-mom, a fitness model or a billionaire to be worthy of love.
2. Change your self-talk
“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy,” says Tony. The way you talk to yourself affects your mood and your behavior – and negative inner thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s OK to hold yourself to high standards and to feel negative emotions occasionally, but don’t get stuck in a cycle of negativity. Catch yourself when you fall into negative self-talk and make a conscious effort to change your words into something positive.
3. Adjust your physical state
Your physical state – your posture, breath and movement – is the key to your emotional state. If you don’t feel confident, adjust your body. Straighten your spine and throw your shoulders back. Raise your head high. Smile. Get in a power pose, like standing with your head raised and your arms in a “V” shape or crossed behind your head. These actions send signals to your brain that you’re proud and confident. And when you feel that way, it’s easy to fall in love with yourself.
Meditation is one way to not only change your breath – which is part of your physical state – but also to change your entire mindset. You can also try incantations, which are a vivid visualization of something you want, repeated with enthusiasm and belief. The phrase “I am worthy of love” said with a smile and a confident posture can go a long way to manifesting love in your life. Visualizing your goals is another form of meditation that can reprogram your brain into a state of self-love.
5. Surround yourself with supportive people
It’s true that your most important relationship is with yourself, but that doesn’t mean allowing negativity into your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you and think the best of you. Use the cardinal rules of love to create healthy relationships that bring positivity to your life, and let go of any relationships that aren’t supportive and caring. You won’t just fall in love with yourself – you’ll find your whole life improves.
6. Don’t lose yourself in relationships
We’ve all heard that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. When you don’t love yourself first, you’ll tend to get lost in relationships. You may take on the qualities your partner wants you to have instead of staying true to yourself, find yourself unable to set boundaries or become very needy and always want to be around your partner. This can work at first, but ultimately you’ll end up driving most partners away. Part of knowing how to love yourself in a relationship is being able to identify and communicate your needs and having the confidence to fly solo once in a while. It will only make your relationship
7. Adopt an abundance mindset
When you practice gratitude and adopt an abundance mindset in everything you do, that will naturally bubble over into falling in love with yourself. Find the good in every situation, and stop reading too much into the negative. If you had a bad date, you might think, “I’ll never find love.” Neutralize that thought by thinking about all the love you already have from friends and family – and all the fun dates you’ve been on.
8. Go off the grid
Taking the time to relax, recharge and reconnect with your core being can help you discover how to fall in love with yourself. If your brain is always on, you’re living in a heightened, unsustainable state. Self-reflection can affirm our sense of ourselves and help us learn from our mistakes. Richard Branson has his best ideas when he disconnects from his smartphone for days at a time. Author and businessman Tony Schwartz credits disconnecting with rediscovering a deeper part of himself. And the research on relaxation is clear: Giving your brain a break actually results in increased creativity and productivity and a sharper memory.
9. Practice self-care
Self-care and self-love are not the same, but they do go hand in hand. When you love yourself, you treat yourself kindly, both emotionally and physically. You wouldn’t want a person you love to live in a stressed state of mind or to avoid doing things they love – so why allow yourself to do those things? Establishing habits of self-care, like eating healthy and exercising can train your brain to think positively. One of the best ways to love yourself is to build a life you love and also to surround yourself with love. Learn how to love yourself in a relationship so that you can create healthy, long-lasting partnerships. Know that you deserve happiness.
10. Have fun
Stress and negativity are enemies of self-love. They can cause you to feel burnt out and alone, and they won’t leave any room in your life for learning how to love yourself. That’s why it’s so important to take the time to create joyful habits and do things that you love. Put on your favorite music and dance around the kitchen. Play a game with your kids or grandkids. Immerse yourself in a good book. Go for a hike and get out in nature. Give yourself a chance to get out of your own head, and you just might find you’re falling in love with the new, spontaneous you.
11. Do something you’re good at
Remember: You are talented and amazing. Do you play an instrument, write short stories or grow the best tomatoes in town? Doing something you’re good at reinforces your confidence and shows you how to fall in love with yourself: by appreciating your own skills. If you can share them with others, that’s even better. You’ll notice others enjoy your talents too, and your social circle will provide encouragement that will build your confidence even more.
12. Push yourself
Of course, if we only do things we’re good at, we’ll never grow. It’s crucial to get out of your comfort zone and push your boundaries. Learn a new language or software. Take a public speaking course. Join a singles group. You’ll see that you’re stronger, more resilient and more capable than you thought possible – and you’ll build new skills that can bring positivity to other areas of your life, like your career and relationships. That’s how you really fall in love with yourself.
13. Take credit
Many of us are naturally modest. We’re often team-oriented and underplay our own accomplishments in the name of keeping harmony. But taking credit can be good for your self-esteem – and that can help you fall in love with yourself. If your neighbor compliments your piano-playing skills or your friends notice your new public speaking abilities, don’t downplay it. Give them sincere thanks, and take it to heart. You deserve praise.
14. Find your purpose
Finding your purpose is the ultimate way to learn how to fall in love with yourself. Purpose gives us a reason to get up in the morning and makes us a part of something larger than ourselves. It fulfills several of our 6 Human Needs, including significance, growth and contribution. But purpose rarely reaches out and knocks on our door. To find your purpose, you need to be honest with yourself. What are you most excited about in your life? What brings you joy? Once you uncover meaning in your life, you’ll start to see the bigger picture – and stop criticizing the smaller things.
15. Give back
The secret to living is giving. Giving back is the ultimate purpose in life and is also the secret to falling in love with yourself: When you have a sense of purpose, you’ll live confidently and stop looking for external affirmation. You know that you have intrinsic worth, because you have gifts to give the world. And when you truly believe that you are here for a reason, loving yourself comes naturally. Find your purpose and light a fire of self-love within you, and others will be attracted to the flames.
Want to learn how to fall in love with yourself?
Apply strategies from Tony Robbins’ Ultimate Relationships Guide to learn the top ways to love yourself.