Why people cheat: Part 2
Relationship expert Esther Perel on how to heal after being cheated onPART 2
Couples want to learn how to affair-proof their relationship. In part one of Tony’s podcast interview with relationship expert and therapist Esther Perel, they talked about the reason why most people cheat: it’s because they or their partner are not incorporating their whole selves into the relationship. Esther emphasizes reconnecting with yourself, allowing yourself to be playful and focusing on giving instead of getting.
Here, in part two of the podcast, Tony and Esther continue to talk about creating a healthy relationship by learning from failed ones. They explore how to recover from an affair and how you can divorce your story and marry the truth.
Strengthen your relationships
Affair-proofing your relationship
Cheating doesn’t have to happen in any relationship. Learning how you may be able to avoid infidelity is much easier than asking yourself how to heal after you’ve been cheated on. As Esther discussed in part one, fulfilling your partner’s six basic human needs is paramount. Those who have affairs are not having their needs met by their partner and therefore look for it elsewhere.
Esther stresses the importance of giving your partner what they want rather than what you think they need, as these are often not the same things. She says that too often, “we give to the other what we want them to give to us.” That is, we give them what we need, not what they need. How do you know what they need? Ask the right questions. Ask questions that help you understand who your partner is.
Neglect, contempt, loneliness, frustration: When we don’t truly connect with our partners, we seek that connection elsewhere. As Esther explains, “People are hungry for want, for care, for attention, for presence, for someone to laugh at their jokes.” If it isn’t you, it may be someone else.
Extraordinary relationships don’t just happen. Tony often says that “If you want your relationship to get better, you’ve got to get better. If you want your life to get better, you have to get better.” The ideal time to do it is before you even have a problem.
