Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.
Mind & Meaning
Do you have a fear of being alone forever? Maybe you’re starting to see your friends pair off into long-term relationships. Or you just got out of one yourself, and you don’t know where to go from here. Perhaps hitting an age milestone like 30 or 40 has you thinking you’ll never find “the one.”
Worrying about ending up alone?
Reveal the root of this common fear and how to overcome it
Humans are one of the most social species on the planet. We don’t just desire social relationships – we actually require them for our physical and mental health. That’s why the fear about ending up alone is one of the most common fears, especially as it applies to romantic relationships.
Worrying about ending up alone is so common in our society that there is even a name for it: monophobia. Like any other fear or phobia, monophobia can be overcome by gaining a deep understanding of the root of the fear and taking massive action to change it.
What causes the fear of being alone forever?
There are three common contributors to the fear of being alone forever: your past, your self-esteem and your social conditioning. Past abandonment – when the person whose love you craved most as a child abandoned you or acted distant and uncaring – is a big cause of this fear for many adults. You may therefore associate being alone with being abandoned and unloved.
Many people also suffer from a lack of self-love which traces back to limiting beliefs developed as children or teens. They aren’t comfortable being alone because they don’t want to spend time with themselves. Deep down, they may not like who they are. Or they may have a constant need for stimulation in order to avoid their own thoughts and feelings.
The last contributor is social conditioning. Worrying about ending up alone is extremely common in our culture. We are raised on the idea of “soulmates,” a person who will complete our lives and make us whole – when what we really need to worry about is becoming whole on our own. A soulmate is just a complement to an already full life.
How fear of being alone affects relationships
Worrying about ending up alone can actually help to ensure that you do end up alone – the exact outcome you don’t want. That’s because of the law of attraction: whatever you focus on, you get. If you’re consumed by fear of being alone, that negative energy will spill over into your relationships. You may throw yourself into a relationship even if it isn’t healthy. You’re also putting a lot of pressure on your partner. When you bring this energy to relationships, they often don’t end well.
The truth is that when you overcome your fear of being alone forever, you’re able to develop who you are as a person more fully. You’ll bring purpose, passion and personality to your relationships, instead of fear. And that, in turn, will increase your attractiveness to others – the law of attraction in action.
Ways to overcome fear about ending up alone
With social pressures and the very human desire for companionship, overcoming the fear of being alone forever isn’t always easy. Use these seven essential concepts to help you crush this fear for good.
1. Focus on yourself
First a hard truth: You can’t control when or if you meet “the one.” Stop spending all your time scrolling through dating apps or worrying about ending up alone and focus on what you can control: yourself. Instead of looking for the ideal person, become the person you need to be in order to attract that ideal person naturally.
2. Understand your fear
Living in fear about ending up alone can be tackled like any other fear: you must look inward first. Monophobia often stems from our limiting beliefs – the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Many people with this fear hold limiting beliefs that they are not “complete,” not worthy of love or can never be happy without a partner.
3. Question your blueprint
We all have a blueprint for our lives – the way that we think our lives must be by a certain point. When we don’t achieve these milestones, it’s a major source of pain in our lives. But what if your blueprint is wrong? What if it’s built on limiting beliefs and society’s expectations? Take some time to determine what you really want. You may be surprised.
4. Fulfill your top human need
The fear of being alone forever is often a reflection of our Six Human Needs – the six things we all need to lead fulfilling lives. Take the Driving Force Quiz to determine your top need. If your top need is love and connection or significance, that contributes to your acute need for partnership. Once you recognize your needs, you can learn how to fulfill them regardless of your romantic status.
5. Let go of the past
Fear about ending up alone stems from our past experiences: being abandoned as children, difficult breakups and unfulfilling relationships. To overcome this fear, you must stop living in the past. As Tony says, “Your past is not your future, unless you live there.” Shift your focus to the present and learn to appreciate what you do have, and you’ll notice a major mindset shift.
6. Expand your social circle
Surrounding yourself with quality people is always a good way to get what you want, whether that’s a high-powered career, a successful small business or a healthy relationship. When you focus on friendships, activities and mentorships, you create a network of social support so strong, you’ll stop worrying about ending up alone.
7. Raise your standards
It seems contradictory, but studies have confirmed that the fear of being alone forever actually predicts settling for less in romantic relationships. Humans are hardwired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. If being alone causes us anxiety and fear, we’ll avoid that pain by seeking out the certainty of a stable, yet unfulfilling relationship. Don’t fall into this trap. Learn how to raise your standards and stop settling.
Team Tony
