How to save your relationship

Disagreements in relationships become harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same, because where focus goes, energy flows. As Tony says, “Whatever we consistently focus on is exactly what we will experience in our lives.”

Years ago, Tony would take a two-lane highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20 yard intervals. One of these seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we do want: staying on the road! By changing our focus, we can change the result.

This lesson applies to how to save your relationship. If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll get the outcomes that you do want.

2. COMMUNICATE

You’re sitting in a coffee shop. There are two couples in the shop sitting near you. The couple to your left is arguing about whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “It’s never fun – you said so yourself last time.” She responds, “Of course you would say that, because they’re my friends, and you’ve never given any of my friends a chance.” He rolls his eyes, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Here we go. War and Peace, our personal edition, volume whatever.” They turn away from each other and sit in silence.

The couple to your right is also discussing whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “I guess I’m a little worried that it will go on for hours and that it might not be that fun. What do you think?” She says, “I get that. I really want to go, but maybe we can plan a time when we have to leave as a compromise?” She continues, touching his hand and smiling, “Besides, it will be nice to get home early.” He smiles and nods, and they continue to read and drink their coffee.

Both couples were presented with a conflict – the same conflict, in fact. But one knew how to resolve conflict in a relationship, and the other did not. One reacted by relying on bad habits and used the conflict to widen a rift between them. The other used the conflict as an opportunity to communicate their feelings and grow their relationship. Which couple do you think has the more successful, fulfilling relationship? Which relationship do you think will last longer? Communication is essential to resolving disagreements in relationships.

3. TURN CONFLICT INTO OPPORTUNITY

In the coffee shop example, one couple has discovered how to resolve conflict in a relationship: don’t treat it as a competition. Why would you want your partner, the person you love, to lose? When you accept that there are no losers in love, you can let go of petty arguments and embrace healthy communication.

Conflicts are opportunities for you and your partner to align on values and outcomes. They are chances to understand, appreciate and embrace differences. Put yourself in your partner’s place and make an effort to understand their experience. These experiences and emotions can be uncomfortable, but if we always opt for comfort then we never grow.

Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and love them on an even deeper level. Learn to see conflicts as transitions to something better, rather than as reasons to retreat. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner and wondering how to save your relationship, choose to see the positive in the situation – and actively decide to work toward a more stable future together.

4. USE HUMOR

If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want – learning how to save your relationship – rather than on what you both don’t want, another pointless argument. If you feel an argument escalating, take a moment to derail it. Argue while talking like Christopher Walken or William Shatner. Sing a song that makes your partner laugh. Make the conflict ridiculous.

To illustrate this point, let’s return to the coffee shop example. You see an older couple. The man accidentally spills his tea all over the table and some splashes onto his wife’s favorite dress. He gets up for some napkins, and she smiles and jokes aloud to the other customers, “For 20 years he’s been doing this to me – never finished a cup yet!” He comes back, dabs the tea off her and jokes back to the other patrons, “She was asking for it!” They both laugh, and you do too, along with everyone else in the shop.

Some couples would have turned the situation into an argument, but by using humor to nip the retaliatory spiral in the bud, this husband and wife seized the moment and turned it into an opportunity to practice how to resolve conflict in a relationship.

5. ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship, chances are that things have been going wrong for quite some time. You need to not only dig into the past to uncover the real, deeper issues, but also look to the future. It’s all about asking yourself the right questions.

First, ensure you’re beginning this exercise from the right mindset. The point is not to place blame, dig up old arguments or tell your partner all the things they do that annoy you. You must change your mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance. Embrace the fact that life is happening for you, not to you. Even the current state of your relationship is presenting you with the chance to learn and grow – so long as you are open to what it has to tell you.

Now you’re ready to ask yourself essential questions: Why did your relationship break down? What are the limiting beliefs you and your partner have been living by that have affected your relationship? How can you overcome them? And what do you want for the future? What will your relationship focus on?