How to rekindle a relationship

10 ways to bring the spark back to your relationship

Have you ever started or stoked a fire? If so, you know that you have to use kindling. You also know that the smallest spark can eventually become a roaring blaze. Once the fire has reached its full potential, you maintain it and it stays strong – or you neglect it and it dies out. The same principle applies to learning how to rekindle a relationship.

The same principle applies to learning how to rekindle a relationship.

Signs your relationship is broken

A sense of certainty and friendship is normal and desirable in a relationship – it’s even one of the three keys to passion. But just as there are signs of passion in a relationship, there are signs that your partnership is broken and needs to be rekindled.

You don’t trust each other

Jealousy in a relationship is never healthy – even if your partner did something to break your trust. If you’re constantly suspicious of your partner’s motives or whereabouts, you need to address your broken relationship immediately.

You don’t talk

Some couples talk more than others, but if you don’t know the basics about what’s going on in your partner’s career, friendships or family relationships, you may have some communicating to do.

You argue constantly

What if you want to talk to your partner, but it always seems to turn into an argument? Disagreements are normal, but if you never reach a resolution or let things go, it’s a sign you need to rekindle the relationship.

You don’t spend time together

It’s healthy to have separate friend groups and spend some time apart, but not more than you spend together. And if you often sleep in separate rooms, that’s a big sign it’s time to learn how to spark your relationship.

Why relationships die down

Has your relationship fizzled or has the fire died down? It’s easy to blame the natural progression of a relationship. Many couples become more friends than lovers over time, and many of them accept this as normal. But if you’re wondering how to rekindle a relationship, you’re ready for the truth: One or both of you have stopped putting in the work necessary to keep your love alive.

You may have stopped speaking to one another gently or you’ve started punishing each other for mistakes. You could also be spending too much time at work or with your friends and have drifted away from your significant other. Life changes can also be difficult to navigate for many couples. If you have recently had children, experienced a job loss or moved to a new city, the stress of the situation could take a toll on your relationship if you don’t make an effort to stay connected.

Love is a powerful emotion. That’s why we like to think that we are “meant to be” with our partner – that we won’t need to work at love because it’s something that “soulmates” just have. That’s also why we give up and move on when we don’t feel it anymore. Yet love isn’t disposable. Relationships aren’t disposable. It takes commitment, but you can rekindle a relationship.

How to rekindle a broken relationship

It doesn’t matter why you need to rekindle love. What matters is that it is possible. If you want to learn how to fix a broken relationship, whether it’s a recent romance or a long-term love affair, you need some emotional kindling. Over time, taking the following small steps in your relationship can lead to massive changes and help you bring back the spark.

1. Use your relationship polarity to your advantage

Having things in common with your partner is wonderful, but opposites also attract. This principle is called the law of polarity. Think back to when you first met your significant other. Things were easy between the two of you, and the physical chemistry proved your instant attraction. When you rekindle a relationship, remember that ease and chemistry. Nurture your own natural energy and confidence; your partner was and is attracted to you in your natural state.

Your natural energy and your partner’s energy work together to create your relationship’s chemistry. When working together in a natural, balanced way, neither of you need to suppress your true self, and you can be happy together as you are. If you find yourself in the position of fixing a relationship, you’ll probably find that one or both of you has sacrificed your true self somewhere along the way­ – and regaining this energy is vital to moving forward.

2. Be physical to help intimacy grow

When times are tough and we’re looking for how to rekindle a relationship, many of us have trouble being physical with our partner. This is especially true when sex is a contentious issue in the relationship. If you find yourself being less physical with your partner to punish them or are avoiding sex for any reason, you need to address that immediately. Fixing a relationship is nearly impossible when one or both of you are not able to show physical affection.

Affectionate physical contact, whether sexual or not, gives you the natural high your body’s hormones produce and can help you get into the right frame of mind to rekindle love. Remember to touch your partner frequently as this will help you to redevelop closeness and intimacy. Give the one you love a reassuring caress, a hug or just a squeeze of the hand that says, “I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.” These small moments can mean a lot to your partner when you’re trying to fix a relationship.

Of course, sex is also very important in a relationship and understanding your own sexual energy – as well as that of your partner – is key to learning how to rekindle a broken relationship. If sexual intimacy is becoming less and less frequent, you need to take action now before it becomes an insurmountable problem.

3. Be curious about your partner

When you started dating your partner, you were intensely curious about them. You wanted to know what they were thinking and feeling at all times. You asked questions about their past and their future dreams. Do you still act in this manner? If not, it could be a big reason why you are now in the position of learning how to rekindle love. 

Curiosity about your partner involves asking questions and practicing deep listening when they answer. It goes beyond asking how their day went or what they’d like for dinner. Find out what they think about current events, how their new position at work makes them feel in terms of life goals and how their dreams for the future have changed. When you spark your curiosity for your partner, fixing a relationship becomes easier for both of you.

4. Innovate and give the relationship your best effort

Want to know how to rekindle a relationship? Consider that the success of your partnership works the exact same way as the success of your initial courtship. Remember what you did to win your partner over.

When you and your partner were just starting out, you showed each other your best sides. You consistently thought about ways to make your partner feel special, such as leaving them love notes or planning extravagant dates. More than anything, you were your partner’s biggest fan and they were yours. When did that stop and how did that coincide with your need to learn how to rekindle a relationship?

It’s easy to fall into comfortable habits in relationships and stop putting forth as much conscious effort, but resist taking the easy way out in your love life. Remember that committing to continually improving your relationship is one of the10 cardinal rules of love.

How happy would your partner feel today if you took a few extra minutes to remind them they are loved? Understand that your connection will continue to strengthen and deepen if you innovate andmake extraordinary efforts. Fixing a relationship almost takes care of itself when you start putting the effort from your early days into a relationship that is more mature.

our evolutionary advantage is love

5. Use your voice as a powerful tool for building intimacy

As much as physical touch and thoughtfulness are keys to a relationship, so are your words. Your words have incredible power and those who are looking for how to rekindle a relationship sometimes don’t realize that the words they’ve been using with their partner are harming them. Not only do the stories we tell ourselves define us as individuals, but our words can also build up our partner and relationship or tear them both down. In many situations, there is no “right thing” to say; you just need to be genuine. Learning how to rekindle love is one of those situations, so you must learn to communicate effectively with your partner in order to revitalize your bond.

Use heartfelt words when communicating with your partner – whether it’s about your trip to the grocery store or resolving a personal conflict. Remember to say things like “I love you,” “thank you” and “I miss you.” Said with genuine emotion, these little statements make tough times easier between the two of you, which helps you build or rebuild trust after it’s been betrayed.

Rekindle love by speaking with care and compassion and avoiding blame at all costs. When the two of you are arguing, don’t say anything in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret later. Remind yourself that this is a person you love and trust, and that your words affect them deeply. As you work together to communicate your love and respect for each other, you will find that your rekindled love is even stronger than the love you shared at the beginning of your relationship.

6. Learn how to control your emotions

When you were in high school you probably felt the world was about to end more than once because you were dealing with many situations and emotions for the first time. But as an adult, with age and experience on your side, you probably look back and laugh at your “insurmountable” problems. You learned how to master those emotions, and you can apply that same principle to how to rekindle a relationship.

Relationships are fraught with emotions – some of them may even be new to you. But you can control emotions like frustration, annoyance and anger just like any others. There is no need to be driven by your feelings or to suppress them. Allow yourself to feel them, then ask yourself what they’re telling you. Get to the root of the emotion and communicate that to your partner instead of the emotion itself.  

7. Defuse conflict with fun

When figuring out how to rekindle a relationship, never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid to work through issues. Couples who are serious about fixing a relationship know that conflict, when handled correctly, leads to growth. The key is to address the problem before it gets out of control – but find a way to make it fun instead of taxing. 

When you descend into a fight with your partner, fast forward to the laughing part. Don’t avoid the issue – soften it with humor. Try getting angry about the problem while doing a ridiculous dance or talking about it in a cartoon voice. Once you start laughing – and you will – you can learn to connect your partner to happier emotions even when there’s a conflict between the two of you. 

Fixing a broken relationship is a painful and exhausting process – even when done correctly. When you’re able to laugh with your partner and connect through humor and lightness, you can make your way through the difficult terrain together and create a truly fulfilling relationship.

8. Write it down

When attempting to rekindle love, some partners have problems communicating their feelings face to face. This could be due to fear over how their words will affect their partner, uncertainty that they will get the words right or limiting beliefs regarding their communication skills. Some just communicate better through writing, especially during the early stages of rebuilding a relationship.

Writing down your thoughts can be a good way to extend a mindful apology, work through difficult feelings or express your love and appreciation for your partner. When you’re done, you may give your partner the piece you wrote – or you may keep it to yourself. The writing is to help you understand your own feelings and find the right words to say to the one you love.

9. Set ground rules for the future

How did you reach the point where you started wondering how to spark your relationship? If you’ve had issues with trust – like keeping secrets from one another or cheating – it can be hard to get back to where you were before. While rules don’t sound romantic, they can actually help to rebuild trust and connection by defining how you will avoid a similar scenario in the future.

Set ground rules: Do you both agree to prioritize each other and the relationship before your own individual needs? What decisions will be made alone and which will be made as a couple? How will you communicate in an effective and respectful way, so that you both feel heard and understood? What are each partner’s needs, and how will the other person meet those needs? Asking yourself the right questions can rekindle a relationship in surprising ways.

10. Build a happy memory bank

Every couple faces tough times, and it’s easy to focus on negative experiences. To counteract these, build a happy memory bank that you both can reflect on when you’re struggling. Where focus goes, energy flows, and when you focus on moments of joy and connection, you relive those memories and rekindle love.To construct your memory bank, plan regular date nights and recognize special occasions. Find any reason to celebrate, even if that means celebrating for no reason at all. Create traditions that are comforting and increase your connection. Treat each other with kindness and empathy, and take any opportunity you can to build your partner up.

Learning how to rekindle a relationship is not easy – it takes time and effort to create and sustain a supportive and healthy relationship and even more time if you’re faced with fixing a broken relationship. But with time and patience, you can rebuild trust and deeply connect with your partner.

For more Tony Robbins resources to reignite the passion in your love life check out his Firewalk, YouTube, and Facebook pages.

Team Tony

Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.

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